hello.
i need this. i need to vocalize my thoughts that are streaming in my head. typing them down seems to make these emotions much more real - my words materialize the fuzzy, messy strings of thoughts. by typing them, i organize and remind myself what is important and what should stay fuzzy.

the thing is, i really do struggle my million thought processes about myself. there seems to be two parts to this puzzle. the part where you are new and reborn, and the other, the monster that hides in your closet... sometimes, when i look at the mirror before i leave the house, i wonder if i am looking at me or the me that i used to be and am trying to be the me that i am.

i guess as much as we try to change our outlooks, the memories of our experiences do remind us of who we are... good, bad and ugly. well, i know i am not my mistakes. but my mistakes sometimes does have that 'punch-in-the-stomach' feeling you know? it is like you watched a good friend die and after a long therapy of time and letting go, you get over her and you feel much less of a mess. then comes a day when you rummage though your old birthday cards and you come across a picture - a candid shot with you and the gang making silly faces at school - and you remember and get flashbacks. you feel that sudden drop and weightlessness. the punch in the heart settles in...

well the difference is that i am not really remembering good memories la. so that was probably a bad imagery. but i think you get the idea.

this is really bad. i can't escape from this you know. i don't see myself as insecure (most of the time) but i do get these hauntings once in a while. i am trying hard to shake off that gravity/hold that it has on me, but like i say, i try.

god is shaping me and changing me, i know. and i guess there are times where it really comes down to how far i want to take this whole 'god thing.' i know jesus respects me too much to force himself down my throat so maybe that is why i still have remnants within me. i am still clutching on to some invisibles that i need to really reflect on to figure out what it is. i think i do have to culture myself to be less comfortable with the things that god hates. but then again, junk food tastes good because we know that it is bad for health. i learned that line from a savage garden song.

so i am on my journey again (and before that was many agains). i crossed bridges and am at my last one (i really hope!) it is probably time to come clean and leave all my old belongings behind. sister and family are at the other side, along with that strange tall man with a really bad beard. funny how the bible just looks like a really thick book but always feels that it is heavier than the rest.

i think what i am really doing now is busying myself with things so i don't really have to feel or think much. but i am glad i typed these down. at least i am clearer now. sigh i should snap out of this weird phase. i need time to gather myself. till the next post i guess. silver lining right? :) :) :l